


Falling slowly

by CapriciousCrab



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Song Lyrics, Supportive partner, anhedonia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 15:28:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10834089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: Exhaustion takes its toll.





	Falling slowly

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction.

Falling slowly

 

_Take this sinking boat and point it home_

_We've still got time_

 

It's hard to say where it all started to fall apart. Things had been going so well for them since the tour had ended. They had taken some time to rest, spending an entire week in their pajamas and refusing to leave the flat. They had missed making gaming videos so recharged and feeling ambitious, they pledged to make a gaming video every day leading up to Christmas. To the surprise of everyone, including themselves, they actually did it and the subscribers loved it! They had loved it too even though it had been a bit exhausting to work under deadlines like that. But Christmas came and went and they were content.

January was busy and they spent time with Phil's family for his birthday, then birthday dinners with friends, then the weeks bled into February. They had decided to commit to attending Cool for Summer even though they were in the middle of looking for a new flat. February ran into March and they were still busy, getting more stressed by the day. Making travel plans, filming videos ahead of the trip, packing while trying to hide it so their fans didn't guess...it was all starting to take a toll on both of them.

Maybe if he hadn’t been so tired he would have seen the signs. The restlessness, the fidgeting, that weird combination of fatigue and hyperactivity-all things pointing to Dan being on the edge. But Phil was so busy planning and making arrangements that he didn’t notice until the crash.

 

_Falling slowly, eyes that know me  
And I can't go back _

 

Dan knew. He always knew when he was spiraling but he didn't say anything to Phil. It was stupid, especially after all these years, but he never wanted Phil to know when he was struggling. He always felt like a burden to him at times like this and Phil was already busy enough without having to take care of Dan too. But Dan had made a promise long ago...he had swore to Phil that he would tell him when he was falling.

He was laid out on the bed stretched from one corner to the other. He didn’t really have the energy to leave the bedroom yet, but mostly he wanted to avoid Phil. Phil would look at him with those blue eyes and he would **know**. He didn't want him to know, he didn’t want anyone to know. He just wanted to lay here, numb, and wonder why he couldn't feel anything anymore.

 

_Raise your hopeful voice_

_You have a choice_

 

Phil knocked on the bedroom door, waiting a moment before pushing it open. He took in Dan's limp form on the bed and felt his heart sink. He knew what it meant when Dan isolated himself like this, skipping meals and conversation. He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, sliding his fingers through Dan's hair.

“Dan, you haven't had breakfast. Can I get you something?” Phil asked, continuing to stroke his curls. Physical contact was important to Dan when he felt like this, he had once told Phil that it felt like being touched was the only thing anchoring him to the world.

“No thanks” came the soft reply as Dan turned his face into Phil's thigh. “I'm not hungry right now”

Phil took his face into his hands and gently turned it up towards his own. “What can I do for you love? Tell me what you need”

 

 

_Moods that take me and erase me  
And I'll paint it black _

 

Dan hated this feeling of emptiness, of faking emotions to hide the fact that he didn't feel **anything** when he got like this. Anhedonia was the word thrown out by his therapist and was described as the inability to feel pleasure. That was the technical definition anyway...Dan would describe it more like a gaping hole that nothing could touch. No happiness, no sadness, no emotions, no feelings-just this awful flatness that you knew was wrong but couldn't change.

It scared him when he got like this. Not because he was afraid he would hurt himself but because he was afraid the feelings wouldn't come back. He loved Phil, loved him more than anything he could think of, but right now that love was buried under layers of apathy and depression. He would cry if he could.

“Will you hold me?” he asked, rolling over and curling up on his side.

 

_You have suffered enough_  
_And warred with yourself_  
_It's time that you won_

 

Phil immediately laid on the bed, scooting up behind Dan and surrounded him with his body. He wrapped his arms around his waist and nestled his nose into the curls on the back of Dan's head. His hands covered Dan's, fingers entwining together. He curled around him protectively, trying to bring him a measure of peace. They were quiet for a long while, one giving comfort and the other taking it. After a time, Phil whispered “Dan, will you call? Will you make an appointment love?”

Dan didn't answer right away. “Alright, I'll call. Will you come with me?” he asked.

Phil rested his cheek on Dan's and answered, “ **Always** ”.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> May is Mental Health Awareness Month.  
> Social anhedonia is a disinterest in social contact and a lack of pleasure in social situations. Anhedonia is one of the most common signs of a depressive episode and can be difficult to treat. As someone who struggles with it myself, I encourage you to reach out if you're struggling. 
> 
> Song lyrics-  
> Falling slowly by Glen Hansard


End file.
